I made my (volunteer) bed

I signed up for this. I knew what I was getting into. I looked at the calendar and said “I can do this. It just takes planning and time management.” And I’m doing ok, I think. But this sure is a crazy time for me. I remember one semester back the first time I went to college I took 12 credits and worked 39 hours per week. It was hard. I was tired. This semester (13 years later), I work full time, 10 credits, and now I’m volunteering about 8 hours per week on top of that. I tell myself, at least I don’t have kids. I couldn’t do this, I assume, if I had kids. Someday, I hope to before I’m too old. But for now, my schedule is just about as packed as it can be. Health-wise, I just don’t think it’s smart for me to add more right now.

I’m waiting to hear back from a volunteer coordinator at the hospital who is going to train me to run the gift shop. Combine 4 hours there with the 4 hours on the floor I’m volunteering on, and that’s my whole Sunday. But I need this. I need these volunteer hours for my application to the nursing program. I really, really hope that I can continue to volunteer after I get my minimum required hours. But without that idea that I’m required to do this time, I don’t know how motivated I will be to keep up this schedule.

Today I transported three patients on my own. Two discharges and one patient wanted to go to the other side of the hospital to a special lounge they have but my ward doesn’t. So that was fun. I learned more about how to get around the hospital. This was my 6th shift. So I’m getting pretty used to things. There’s only a couple other duties the manual says I can do that I haven’t learned yet. Next week if they’re not busy, I might ask someone to show me how. We have a new permanent Unit Coordinator. I look forward to working with the same person for the rest of the semester. He seems hip enough. He’s applying to the nursing program, too. But he is a couple years ahead of me, so he’s got a much better chance than I do of getting in next fall.

31 volunteer hours down. Class registration for next semester is in 16 days. I haven’t all that long to decide if my plan is correct or advisable. And I just don’t know why some days I feel so full of doubt and then others I know I’m doing the right thing. So here’s the plan for next semester:

I’m only going to take one full-semester nursing prerequisite class. Instead of the second prereq I’d planned a couple month ago. Instead, I’m going to take the patient care tech class. That one isn’t the full semester, and I’ll be done with it by the time I’m going to Washington, D.C., with my dad. So my weekly schedule is work MTWRF 8-430. PCT class TWR 5-9 and Physiology Saturday from 8-11. I’m also taking the first aid/CPR certification class on a Friday. I’ll have to ask for the day off of work.

This leaves me MF evenings, S afternoons and evenings, and N all day for homework and volunteer. After April 1 my W evenings will also be free.

At the end of this semester, I will still need 40 hours or so of volunteering before March 1. Basically, right now I have 15 weeks left to get 70 hours of volunteer work. That’s about 5 per week. But with the semester break, I will probably have to skip some shifts over the holiday. I think I’ll just about make it.

After I finish the PCT class on April 6, I will be able to apply to get a paid position at the hospital. I don’t plan on quitting the library at that point, but I think I could. I think financially I could. Especially if I can get more consistent sharing of the rent. It’s really scary for me to think that I might quit my full time job. I hope I don’t have to. I’d hate to quit before it’s necessary. But if I have to, I think I’ll be okay.

But still, it’s hard to imagine choosing to quit a full-time job in this economy. Actively quitting. Is this okay? Should I do it? What if I don’t get accepted to school?? So many questions. So much I don’t know and can’t know. To just quit that career path? But that’s okay, right? You can shift focus, right? and change careers?

I’m scared out of my mind about it, sometimes.

Shameless self promotion

I asked a friend of mine for a reference, so
I could get a volunteer job at the hospital. She went totally above and
beyond in her reply. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such a good
friend. Here’s what she wrote: I was diagnosed with a recurrence of
Parosteal Osteosarcoma, a bone cancer, in June of 2008. After my surgery
and recovery I had, as is normal in these situations, a difficult time
readjusting to life and my friends. Through this time, Laura
demonstrated patience and understanding that went above and beyond what
most of the people around me could give. When I was mean she was
graceful and so giving, when I was needy she was ever present. Her
ability to read a human situation is extraordinary and something that I
hope more people have the opportunity to experience.

Pre-nurse student seminar

LCC has been having a high number of applicants to their nursing program. They started having these early seminars where interested students can learn about the process. Actually, they require you attend. So I got time off of work to spend 3 hours listening to them discuss basically the same information that is available on their website. But it’s good that they require this. It helps weed out some people. I think some people will attend this seminar and then decide that the program isn’t right for them. And that’s good, right?

I received a packet of info and an opportunity to ask questions. But really for me, this was just another check box on an application list. I’m frustrated by the notion that 4.0 all your prereq classes isn’t enough to get you into the program.

One interesting thing I learned was that the nursing program is thinking of changing how the points are calculated for prerequisite classes that are taken more than once. I think people should have an opportunity to retake classes if they don’t get a high enough grade, but why should someone that takes a class once and gets a 4.0 get the same number of points for the class as someone that takes it 3 times to get that same 4.0? The faculty said that they’re considering using an average of the class grades as the point factor for admissions. In a lot of ways, I hope they do this. I don’t have all my prereqs yet, so I don’t know if this proposed policy will affect my score or not. We shall see.

I’m hoping that I won’t be far off score-wise this March. And then next year, March of 2011, I’ll have enough points to get in to one of the programs. Actually, I’m hoping I’ll be able to get into either the 3-year program or the accelerated program for people who already have Bachelor’s degrees. Getting into the traditional 2-year program is my last preference, tho obviously I’d jump on the chance.

Anatomy test #1

First big anatomy test today. Last night I felt very prepared. Today I’m just tired. I’ll review after work, and then I should feel as prepared again. But I’m nervous. This is kind of a litmus test (is that the right phrase?). If I bomb this test, then I probably shouldn’t continue pursuing this. Also, my volunteer orientation at the hospital is next week. I’ll get to learn how to work on the surgery ward. Helping to feed and clean and I don’t know what else. I don’t feel like there’s anything beneath me. I will wipe asses if that’s what my duties include. But I just don’t know how I’ll feel about it. I’m not a quitter, usually. So I know I’ll finish this semester no matter what. But there’s a gurgling in my stomach that says to me “this is it. These are the tests that will say whether or not you should keep going with this.” Is that nagging feeling right? No doubt there will be more tests. But these are two biggies. Anatomy. Volunteering. Am I cut out for this? Am I wasting my time and money and everyone else’s time? Will I hurt people? I know that stress can be hard for me. But what I find stressful isn’t the same kinds of things that others do. I guess I’m unique.

The posts that never were

Where do the posts go when you send them but they never post and there aren’t any record of them? Are they like they dryer mateless socks that end up in Narnia? Do they post to the wrong blog? Do they just vanish – poof!?

Track my stuff

I wish I had an iPod. It seems to me like it would
converge a lot of various life stuff like grocery lists and contacts and
calendars and such. But no. I don’t have one. Fine. So while I start
classes, I wanted to look at where I do store info and such. This way I
can streamline it a bit. But baby, do I got lists. I don’t feel
disorganized. I don’t feel overorganized. But JHC, I listed all my
“lists,” and I have quite a few. Recipes, grocery prices, auto repairs,
medical, master list, contact list, bank accounts, wine making notes,
travel plans… it just goes on and on. I have this picture in my head
that I need to start up my Franklin Planner again. But that isn’t as
portable as it could be. And so much of everything should be online. So
what should I keep only online, only in paper, only in my head,
available on my phone… etc. I want everything available right now and
right at hand. I don’t want to think about where I wrote it down. I
don’t want to be caught without a necessary list… But this is a task.
I feel I need to be more organized if I’m going to work, go to school,
and have kids. But then I look at all this and think to myself “is this
my legacy? Is this what I am and who I want to be?”

What makes something interesting to me?

There have been other mass
killings over the past few years. Why did this most recent one at a gym
seem to infect me? Was it because he was a white man killing white
women? Why didn’t I get this piqued by the other recent killings? Was
there just one tiny thing that I stuck on to that resonated with me for
some reason? Now that I’ve read the articles and items I’ve read, I
think that I have a better idea why I keep reading more. But what made
me initially keep reading and clicking on the links? Was it because the
author of the one blog I get fed to me did an analysis of the killer’s
blog posts? Was it because that author found it interesting? And
therefore I considered the incident more because I’ve read work by that
blog author? Yet, digg and mashable posted links to the killer’s blog.
Why didn’t I click on those links? Why didn’t I care what Pete Cashmere
thought about the killings? Is it because I don’t trust him to be
trustworthy about topics like this? What could a social media website
know about psychokillers? Logical reasoning on my part, I guess. So my
interest in this killing is “logical?” Surely not. It must be emotional.
So why do I feel emotional about this news story? Why did the post from
the one blog I feed strike some kind of emotional response? There were
no pictures. I never heard the story until the blog post yesterday from
the Last Psychiatrist. Was it the text of the link from the LP? “All of
this has happened before and it will happen again”

You probably think this blog is about you

When I read an Abnormal Psych book, there was this caveat at the beginning that said that no matter how familiar the case studies or disorders sound, the book isn’t describing/diagnosing you or anyone you know. It’s hard to keep that in mind sometimes. We like patterns. We like recognizing things. It seems like a revelation when you read the description of some kind of neurosis and say “that sounds just like my dad.” Or whatever. So with that in mind, I present a link to a screen shot of a blog of this guy who shot up an aerobics class at his gym. I read it. I read the words and phrases. And I hear parts of this being spoken by people I know. Last night I read in my Psych 101 book about the developmental phase of adulthood where people kind of take stock of their life and might be satisfied or decide to go back to school or something. A midlife crisis, perhaps. I wonder if this guy had a midlife crisis, but it turned terrible horrible. I notice how it seems that months might go by without him furthering his plans. Why do setbacks and stress put us back in those same bad places where we were contemplating suicide or murder or other violent/inappropriate solutions to problems? Analyzed “journal” posts.

Why is it hard to admit that I’m taking classes?

I’m signed up for 10 credits this semester at the community college. Why don’t I want to tell people? Do I think they’ll ridicule me? Make fun? Will they hate me for going? Will their opinion of me drop? None of that makes sense.

One person I know who won’t understand is my mother. I wish there weren’t these issues. She will probably see it as another thing about me that she has to pity or feel sorry about or mad at me because… hell if I know why she will be angry. But she won’t take it well. But that shouldn’t matter. I know that I don’t need her approval or whatever. But it’s just this thing. This topic that will just cause more tension. Why does it matter to her if I work or go to school? It isn’t like that affects her life. But she’s crazy. I know she is. It doesn’t matter why my going to school will upset her. It will. I know it will. That’s why I’m not telling her right now. I’d like to get through this semester before I do.

At work, I’ve told them I’m going back to school, but I haven’t told them for what. Why? I’m not ashamed. Of course, I don’t want them to think that I’m quitting. I don’t have any plans to quit. Whether I go to school has very little to do with whether I might quit someday. I haven’t been going to school in the past 10 years, and yet I’ve changed jobs 3 times.

But I still feel like people will laugh. It’s completely illogical.

I told Darren last night. He told me his first thought was imagining me in a naughty nurse outfit. That makes me feel better. That makes me feel like people I know won’t think I’m strange for going to school. So far, everyone I’ve told has been very supportive. Including my therapist. So why am I still hesitent to tell my family?

Genes to pass on

Me and my boyfriend talk about having kids soon. My doctors say that there’s no reason that I should think I shouldn’t have kids. But I’m still worried. I’m worried about passing on the genes. I’m worried about having to go off my medications. I’m visiting the doctors soon to tell them my plans and get their instructions. First the psychiatrist. Then the gynecologist. Scary. It will be like at least a year without medications.

I feel scared. Will I hate myself. Will people blame me. Can I even do it now? Do I have the guts. Will I be alone with this? I feel I have so little support from anyone except my BF. My mom loves me. My dad loves me. But I don’t know that they’ll want to or have time to help.